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Welcome to the Party!

This is a basic guide on

party etiquette

Everyone started somewhere, it is a little daunting going to your first kink party social and this guide is here to help answer questions of uncertainty.

At these social occasions, keeping polite is paramount to you being accepted within peoples social space.


Rude arrogant people quickly become isolated. Word gets around fast.

If you unintentionally offend someone a simple acknowledgment and an apology will quickly solve further complications. Word travels fast.


Q1 - I wont know anyone there, will I feel left out ?

A - Kink parties and social occasions always have an event runner. If you make yourself known as being new to the event they will meet you outside and introduce you to people to get the ball going.


Q2 - Do I have to remove my clothes ?

A - Kink parties have no requirement for you to take your clothes off at any point.  You will likely see nudity by choice. Some play rooms have rules of certain material not allowed on leather equipment such as denim due to the studs and zips. No shoes on the play kit is a common requirement if you use the item.


Q3 - Do I have to play with someone ?

A - Play means being involved in a kink scene. This can be anything from canes to tickling so long as both parties consent. You do NOT have to say yes to any play requests and it is perfectly acceptable to politely decline.  If someone persists then alert the event organisor. Feel free to just social or what ever your comfortable with.



Q4 - Is there a dress code?

A - Unless the event listing has a specific dress code, smart casual is usually the way forward. Avoid scruffy trainers, sports wear and T shirts unless its a munch setting as these are very casual social events compared to private parties.



Q5 - Can I drink ?

A - Parties at clubs tend to serve licensed alcohol and do not allow you to bring your own. Private party events usually allow bring your own soft or hard drinks and have a fridge to store drinks. Keep in mind its not acceptable to drink while playing as this can be irresponsible due to impaired judgment.

Therefore people often leave any drinking until after a play scene they wish to be involved with is complete. Some people ignore this, don't be that person. Be responsible and don't get hammered otherwise you may not be invited back.



Q6 - What will I likely see ?

A - Different parties with different people will come up with different scenes of play. You will often see scenes of impact such as canes, paddles and floggers. You will probably see men hitting women, women hitting men.

You may see various races, sexuality and religion acting out of the social norm.  You may see transgender or cross dressing people, always refer to these people as the sexual orientation he or she is dressed as.

You will likely see male and female nudity. You may see things you do not agree with in which case simply walk away to a different space.  You will experience plenty so take time to process. 


Q7 - Can I watch a play scene?

A - If the door is open this means you can watch but do not engage or interrupt unless its to ask if you can get to another part of the room for instance to access other kit.  There is a difference between casual watching and a hard non blink stare. When a scene is over, often the bottom / sub will take part in something which is called aftercare. (See glossary at bottom). 


This will involve quiet time on a floor or chair around the space they played or in another room. A polite ask if its ok to talk will give you the answer to whether its ok to engage in conversation.


Never touch another person, never approach a play scene personal space and never touch anyone's play kit without permission.


Do not stare at a scene and start touching yourself as this is considered very rude and off putting.


Q8 - Can I ask questions ?

A - You will find people are more than happy to answer any questions of interest in their kink or play kit if you ask nicely. Most people are friendly and happy to converse. There is the occasional people stuck on their own mountain top but let them freeze, there are plenty more to engage with.


Q9 - Will someone play with me?

A - You are not guaranteed play at any event you attend. It is up to you to make contacts and find connections to carry out any kinks you wish to engage with. 



Q10 - Difference between a club and private party?

A - Club parties are often large with excess of 20, 30 or even 80+ people in the same place depending on size. Most club parties now are at registered private members clubs which are otherwise known as swinger clubs. These work on a membership scheme you need to sign up to in order to gain entry. They often service their own alcohol and have their own house rules.

A private party  has less people, usually under 20 who are personally invited rather than a public listing. It usually involves people that in a general sense know each other or at least  will know  the person who invited someone they haven't met before. 

They are at private spaces such as homes and private rented play spaces, don't serve alcohol and have a bring your own drinks scheme usually in place. Often more harsh lines of play may be seen in private events and its also a good place to learn more without a crowd of people around you.



Q11 - Will I see sex at a BDSM/Kink Party

A - At these type of events it is very unlikely you will see sexual intercourse. If it happens its usually behind closed doors wishing to stay private.  Kinksters are not as openly sexual as swinger events.



Q12 - Why is a door closed ?

A - A closed door means DO NOT DISTURB. It is a basic code of practice in any venue hosting parties or events.  Please do not enter, knock or try to engage with anyone behind a closed door unless you are personally invited. (In which case you would already be on the other side)



Q12 - Can I use my mobile phone ?

A - Mobile phone usage in public play areas is massively frowned upon. Basically any space in the venue that is populated by people or likely will have anyone walk through is considered a no phone rule. Some venues do not allow you to carry your phone all together and provide lockers.


Venues generally have their own individual policy on mobile phones and you should ask the one your wishing to attend what the score is.  Mobile phones are a large risk to personal privacy.  If in doubt keep in your pocket on silent so not to disturb people. If you must take a call then leave the public area and go where the venue suggests or even outside all together to avoid backlash from other people.



Q14 - What if I see a trigger or something upsetting ?

A - We are all mature responsible adults, but that doesn't mean that certain things don't upset or cause us to feel uncomfortable on a personal bases. You may see something that brings back bad thoughts and causes you upset or distress. The first thing that you should do is NOT scream and shout STOP at what ever it is that you're looking at, such as a play scene that is 
currently  on going.

  • Firstly remove yourself from the scene you are currently witnessing which is causing the trigger.

  • Take a couple deep breaths to try and calm yourself down, perhaps speak to a friend to help.

  • Speak to an event organiser or a DM if you have any concerns about what you have seen.

  • Avoid that circumstance in the future.



  • PLAY SCENE - When someone is engaging in an act of kink or fetish of his, her, or their choice. It involves the space around this/these people, often a piece of dungeon kit such as a spanking bench.

  • AFTERCARE - After a play scene, who ever was involved will need some space and time. The bottom / sub that took what ever play was involved will often need looking after for an amount of time while they recompose themselves. Often a blanket & something sugary will be involved.

  • DM - Term used for Dungeon Monitor. These people are often enlisted to help people with the play space or help solve any issues people may have.  If they feel anything goes against the venues polices they will step in and have final word.

Enjoy being kinky.Safely.

Updated 20th Aug 2018
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