50 Shades of Wayhey is the swinger and BDSM crossover event which Townhouse hosts. The evening invites fetishists to help give an insight to swingers about the kink scene. I thank them for inviting me to Demo at this event. This is the Demo sheet of information I mention during the event for anyone wishing to re-cap and read further into it.
My ramblings blog also contains various other ideas to help you.
This is an info sheet on the origins of the term Sadomasochism. It is text heavy and is a brief outline of the origin and understanding.
This contains information on the implements that I brought to the demo with me, the information we talked about, effective application of techniques as well as the possible health and safety implications of Sadomasochism from my point of view.
From new and low budget up to advanced and higher budgets.
There may be people that disagree with what I say or do, but I have always practised a safe and sane sense of play. I consider what I do to be as safe and as well thought out to the best of my knowledge. It is worth noting that I do not know everything about everything. I can make mistakes like every other human. By all means, do your own research and use my information as a guide to help you make informed decisions to help with your play and decision making.
My information is written based on the assumption of Cis Male and Cis female whenever I mention the gender I'm referring to. This is to make my text easier to type and for a smoother flow of information. I mean no intention of any offence should any be taken.
It is always best to do your own research how-ever I hope you find my experiences useful to your play.
Sadism & Masochism
- Sadomasochist -
S&M, or sadomasochism, is the enjoyment of inflicting or receiving pain.
But before we get into this, how did the terms get their names?
If you are interested in a nutshell background information snippet on the meaning, read on...
Definition of sadism - The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.
To help come to terms with his mental disorder, the term Sexual Sadism Disorder came about and is still used today as a medical diagnosis. This doesn't go well with the BDSM world having a type of fetish listed as an actual mental disorder. There is plenty of information about him online and a famous book was 120 Days of Sodom.
Masochism definition - The condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering physical pain or humiliation
The term Masochism is to be thanked for by two people. The actual word comes from the name of the chap on the left called Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. A quick google on his name and you will find a full read on his bio, however, I will break it down to a few sentences for you. Leopold was an Austrian nobleman, writer and journalist. He ended up signing a contract with his mistress making him her slave, taking punishments and her cruel personality for her own enjoyment.
Richard Krafft Ebing was a German who went on to practice in psychiatric asylums. He was an authority on deviant sexual behaviour and its medicolegal aspects. He wrote Psychopathia Sexualis published 1886, which is a reference book for psychiatrists, judges and various other professions that needed references to work from. It is from his book that the words Sadist and Masochist where translated. Masochist being from the surname of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch whom Richard believed to be one of the first ever documented case of the term.
The term sadomasochism is used in a variety of different ways. It can refer to cruel individuals or those who brought misfortunes onto themselves and psychiatrists define it as pathological. However, recent research suggests that sadomasochism is mostly simply a sexual interest, and not a pathological symptom of past abuse, or a sexual problem and that people with sadomasochistic sexual interest are in general neither damaged nor dangerous *
* Richters, Juliet; de Visser, Richard O.; Rissel, Chris E.; Grulich, Andrew E.; Smith, Anthony M. A. (2008-07-01). "Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, "sadomasochism" or dominance and submission (BDSM): data from a national survey
The Sadomasochism can be traced as far back as the 18th century, a good example of this can be found in China with the strict practice of feet binding. The aesthetically embellished shoe was, in that era and culture, an erotic visual aid to men. However, the binding of the female foot was actually a disguised act of brutality and intense pain. Women’s feet were crushed or even toes removed so that women could be unable to walk normally. This means they remained under the control of their owners.
Some people from an outside perspective would see this as unacceptable and inhumane but th practice was considered a cultural normality, not just a one-off fling.
, as with individuals in our culture who are able to become erotically aroused by disfigured women. A more normal view of this kind of custom is that of women wearing high heeled shoes, which hobble them and in a lot of circumstance cause discomfort and pain but sexually stimulate those who admire.
Basically, we shouldn't judge someones sexual desires based on their cultural or sexual motives as we all likely accept something similar in our own cultural environment which wouldn't be acceptable to someone who has a different view. Sadomasochism is researched and documented as sexually motivated with the sole purpose of getting aroused by giving/receiving levels of pain for the purpose of getting off.
The most common and the most significant of all the perversions the desire to inflict pain upon the sexual object, and its reverse received from Krafft-Ebbing the names of "Sadism" and "Masochism" for its active and passive forms respectively.
Sigmund Freud, "Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality," 1905
gratification, especially sexual, gained
through inflicting or receiving pain;
sadism and masochism combined.
Before engaging in S & M
Today's society, people engaging in S & M are not always going to to be die-hard sadomasochist sexual deviants. Studies suggest only 10% of Americans are the die-hard sexual deviant type.
A simple spanking means your engaging in a type of S & M play. NEVER judge your own or anyone else abillities in any form of S & M based on what you have seen other people do.
We all have boundaries and limits based on our own lifestyle of health.
So you're looking to try a bit of S & M, maybe some spanking, canes, floggers, the list can easily go on speculating what you are looking to engage in. Anything involving causing discomfort or a level of pain to be endured can be considered to be seen as an act of Sadomasochism.
However modern fetishists tend to see light levels of play as not a type of S & M but more as what is thought of as the 'norm'. Only the most hardcore and pain enduring scenes seem to be taken into consideration of being sadomasochism which is not always true. It is just how modern society has gone with desensitisation of seeing scenes on regular bases via the internet and events.
What other people think about what you do is irrelevant. You and your play partner need to have a discussion on limits, what line not to cross and how to handle possible outcomes of mistakes happening based on what you are wishing to engage in. Communication is key.
You have discussed and you both want to proceed. Things you need to now take into consideration...
Your environment. Where are you going to engage in your S&M play? Is there enough space to swing any long items for example.
Does your play have potential triggers or may be considered risks such as heavy hitting on women, edge play or consensual none consent?
If you answered yes to no.2, do the dungeon monitors know so they do not mistakingly interrupt?
Can you see any entrances so people cannot walk into your scene by mistake?
Are you prepared for the scenario of something going wrong such as rope cutters, plasters and maybe the risk of needing to administrate first aid?
Have a way to come down from the scene to calm down from the endorphins and adrenalin.
What happens during S & M
I could lecture on for hours regarding this subject but the aim of this sheet is to give bite-sized information from which you can go search further if you require.
Sadomasochism heavily relies on someone wishing to engage in an element of pain whether that's mental or physical and someone who has sexual desires to inflict such variables on their willing play partner. This gives a massive mix of emotions and body chemicals. The main aim fetishists look for is the release of endorphins which are responsible for our feelings of excitement or satisfaction. Eating chocolate, for example, can cause a degree of this. When a rush of this is happening during fetishists play scenes it is referred to as spacing. This is enough for most people that play. Everyone has different levels and limits and no one should be judged on his or her style. What can be harsh for someone could me tame for another.
Remember when I mentioned The 10%...
Now, with a sexual deviant masochist, that is not enough, they want to feel a level of pain that can range from moderate to severe, quickly getting a lust for more. This activates the bodies adrenaline functions to a high level due to being attacked and can reach a primal stage of rage and anger demanding more.
If the hardcore illustration makes you aroused even the slightest bit then your certainly heading towards the 10% if not already in it. Yes, I chose a standard heterosexual image but google
S & M Gay or lesbian for the desired outcome and hit images.
If you are a heavy player you may be familiar with this but new players need to be made aware that at one stage if you push too far, your masochist could get to a point where they just want more regardless of personal well being.
It is up to you as the Sadist top to know when to stop and issue a calming method. Sexual Sadist deviants will carry on regardless until the Masochist adrenaline rush causes their body to show a drunken physical outcome, not talking much, swaying, unresponsive and emotional.
Often showing wounds and bruises from the level of play to get to this stage. This means the body has spent its energy and the brain is trying to engage in repairing the received injuries so takes away unnecessary body functions.
You will see this, and automatically your basic instinct to protect will kick in and you will go to your masochist's emotional aid.
The Sadist top can also have clouded judgment during intense play scenes, wanting to go further to gain greater sexual enhancement on whatever you are causing to the masochist. The end result though will still be the same and the top will engage in looking after the masochist when the time comes.
Just remember folks...
If your spacing looks like this;
Then perhaps you may want to think about dialling it back a few notches ;)
I'm into EVERYTHING No Limits!
I hear this a lot when I ask about hard play or what someone is into.
I wanted to touch slightly on this phrase I hear a lot. Particularly if I ask someone who defines as masochist or sadist roles what they are into. I often reply with three questions.
Can I cut your nipples off?
Can I hit your toenails with a hammer until they bleed?
Can I blow curry powder into your eyes?
Those questions usually get me one of three responses.
The person gets up and walks away horrified.
Gets laughed off then ask me if I'm kidding.
Profanity and told to go away.
You are very, very unlikely to be into EVERYTHING, and if you are I would consider your mental state to be out of line with what is considered a safe level of personal wellbeing. I have had this phrase from teenagers new to the scene all the way up to people in their 40s and 50s. Most think its just a way to show off and engage in conversation. If you say things like this then there's the potential for someone to go too far with you and a potentially bad experience looming.
There is no shame or embarrassment in saying I have tried this and that and didn't like or loved something. It's not a competition.