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Dom/me, Top, Sub, Bottom??

This post I would like to bring up the basic roles of Kink life.

When engaging in a kinky conversation such as at a munch or other social event, one of the first things people are trying to gauge about you is your orientation. Here is some standard information on common roles, (there are many more which I will cover);


TOP & Bottom

There are a wide range of extra ones that have been developed and caught on in the social circle of kink but today I will be focusing on the top five.

Often, if you are new to the scene you may not know what your orientation is. Many people know but are still exploring and many are happy with the position they are in. Its not a case of putting yourself in a pigeon hole but more towards understanding what your own personal needs are as well as how best to find a match. If you can not find a role or orientation that suits you, that's fine, they are just guidelines and everyone is different. Nothing is set in stone and people are free to change and swap roles as they see fit within there own personal choice.


Dominate or Dom (male), Domme (female)

A Dominate is a person who wants complete control over a person. They want you to pretty much want anyone willing to serve to worship them and do anything without question. Now there are people that try to abuse this and people with very little experience jumping straight into this often for financial gain. Use your common sense rather than swaying over the cleavage or sweet talking.

In my opinion this role is abused a lot. I see a lot of men trying to get into women panties by being the big bad Dom that will spank and fuck them and I see a lot of women showing some leg and commanding people bow down and kiss ass. Of course there are the experienced men and women who are good at what they do, enjoy the kink scene and the pro ones that offer services at a premium. A Dom/me is looking to build a psychological control over the submissive.

Be aware how-ever just because someone offers a premium service doesn't mean they ave much experience. Always research and see who else has been involved with them and gather opinions. As with anything you are unsure about just take it with a pinch of salt until you see the bigger picture.


A sub, or submissive, is the opposite to a dominate. A sub will generally feel the need to serve, please and do what ever he or she can to please the person on their attention and affection. Being a submissive doesn't mean you have doormat on your forehead. Like everyone else you have limits, likes, dislikes and have needs. The main need to serve is usually the main role of submissive and taking what commands their dom/me gives. This means the submissive has a lot of power as they have to willingly give their attention to someone in order for them to be dominated. If the submissive withdraws consent then the dom/me is without any power.

Submissive people don't like to be given a lot of choice, they prefer to have decisions made for them in relationships within reason and have a sense of accomplishment for completing tasks. They can often be shy but I have met many outgoing and confident submissive people in various forms of life.


A Top is someone who is happy to engage in casual play with different people on a more level ground playing field. They don't demand your obedience and are willing to work with you on a more mutual benefit to both parties expectations and needs. A Top generally instigates actions on recreational terms, therefore the bottom can take part without any implication of being psychologically dominated by them.

Tops are often seen a lot in the rope community as people like that to casually tie other people without any attachment and often for practice and fun. If being tied by anyone you need to do your own research on the individual as unsafe ties can be dangerous, always play in public space with new people in any casual kink until comfortable. Tops can be both male or female, there is no gender separation.


Bottoms are not what you see when you bend over, its a role defined as the opposite to a Top. They are people whom wish to engage in levels of play without mental or physical attachment. They will have preference of people they engage with and like everyone else have their own needs and likes but for example a bottom would like to be the subject of being flogged or caned rather than doing it to someone else.

End of the day everyone has needs like and dislikes. Playing safe and consensual should be the priority for everyone regardless of role. Everyone has a personal responsibility for their own well being and those who have entrusted person well-being to.

Search ROLES in my blog search bar for other posts to do with roles and orientations as they appear.

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